queer fear
a magazine for the non-conforming


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Posts in 2016
Why didn't I say

When I came out to my parents there was this dance between us. I had just told them, essentially, that I had spent the better part of my life deliberately presenting another version of myself to them. I know from my own perspective, it was easy to forget that they might feel betrayed by this, confused, or at the very least like a stranger. As I think about it a year later, I ponder what my mother must have been thinking as the smoke swirled up from the cherry at the end of her cigarette. 

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I always knew that I was different. I didn’t quite understand it, but I knew instinctively that there was something about me that was wrong. When I found myself daydreaming about boys and their various parts, I figured it out. I can’t recall a specific moment, but more like a slow awareness setting in, and a strong desire to hide it. I remember hanging out with a friend one warm Arizona summer day, and he took his shirt off. I felt something that confronted me in a very immediate way, so I jumped out of the treehouse. No time for a ladder.

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